From the Unpublished Memoirs of Allen Keller.

January 2008


I hate ceremonies.

When I was in the Army I would find something that absolutely had to be done that very day so I wouldn't have to show up for the payday formation and any other ceremony that the C.O. would lay on for that day. Seriously, I would rather skip my own wedding if I could get away with it. (Fat chance on getting married).[1] And as a Randroid [2] you can only imagine how I feel about attending a Christian funeral service. Fortunately I really didn't have to. It wasn't my uncle who was being buried.

Most people have no idea how FU's [3] funeral service at Westminster Abbey came to being a total clusterfuck.

They had to bring in the vicar from FU's district [4] in Southampton to officiate. Most of the senior Anglican clergy, especially the Archbishop of Canterbury, who very thoroughly loathed FU wanted no part of the whole affair. My (lack of) God! What a fucking waste of mass and energy! The current Archbishop of Canterbury would rather quote from Marx and Engels than from Jesus Christ and he'd rather do a blowjob on an Ayatollah or a Soviet Commissar than say a kind word about Western Civilization.

I once asked Corder [5] if anything could be done about that idiot and he said that offing a member of the clergy was still considered to be bad form. Really?! That Becket mess was how long ago?! Sure, they can pop a pesky journalist, but lay hands on a turbulent priest? No way!

Of course as an atheist I really shouldn't care. But if someone is going to do something they should do to properly. The Universe is supposed to make sense. Where is General Loan [6] when we really need him?

The local anarchists and other trash were of course were planning to disrupt the funeral. The security services were working overtime to preemptively disrupt those assholes. No proper arrests. Just a few convenient drug overdoses, suicides, and one case of "revolutionary justice.'

I asked Corder if I could help out. He said no. Spoilsport.

JAM [7] got to sit with his Aunt Elizabeth and other family members, ahead of Dubya [8] and the other heads of state, and the cabinet ministers and, and the other MP's, and a bunch of Lords and Ladies. [9] There was no space in Westminster Abbey for a mere henchman like me. I ended up watching the whole thing on the TV with Lady Lackland at her place. So I can't say that the trip was a complete waste.

Did I mention the fact that I hate ceremonies?


1. Allen Keller would eventually marry Marlene Lackland in February of 2010.
2. The correct pejorative term for an Objectivist.
3. Sir Francis Urquhart, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom and the uncle of President John
Andrew March of the United States.
4. Keller is using the American term for a parliamentary district.
5. A senior member of the British security services. In most conspiracy theories believed to be the head of Urquhart's goon squad.
6. South Vietnamese general officer who performed a summary execution of a illegal combatant and murderer in front of a newsreel camera during the Tet Offensive.
7. John Andrew March.
8. President George W. Bush of the United States.
9. Members of Parliament.

Quote of the Day

When your primary instruments of policy are fusion bombs your problems end up looking like Moscow and Mecca.

-- Admiral Elizabeth Weymouth

_